Day 7: "What Can I Be Doing Better?"

“Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances.” Proverbs 25:11

Relationships are difficult. Can I get an AMEN! Whether it is with a spouse, parent, child, co-worker – keeping a positive relationship is not an easy task! The key to a successful relationship is connecting with that person. In my marriage, Bill and I have to connect in order for our relationship to flourish. We do not have it “all together;” however, we learned a valuable lesson a few years back that helps us connect better on a daily basis.

Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, led a marriage conference that Bill and I attended. The topic I remember most was “Communication and Conflict.” Chapman suggests that no frustration should go unmentioned. That doesn’t mean that you should tell your spouse what you are frustrated about, whenever you are frustrated about it. He encouraged us all to approach conflict when the atmosphere is not conflicted… approach it “in right circumstances.” Let me give you an example of what this statement does not suggest.

(I asked Bill if it was okay to disclose this before I posted… Just so you all know. ☺)

It bothers me to no end when Bill leaves the drawers of his dresser open or even just a little cracked. I had never mentioned this to Bill before, because I didn’t think Bill would understand my frustration. One day, I was walking from one side of our bedroom to the other side and BAM! My hip hit one of his slightly open drawers, and the pain was intense. Oh, I was so mad! I marched into our living room and shouted to Bill, “Could you PLEASE shut your drawers?!?! I’m sick of you leaving them open all the time!!!” This led into an argument because Bill was caught off guard, to say the least, and he responded out of frustration, as well.

Was this the right circumstance to bring up my frustration? Of course not! What Chapman actually suggests is that we should encourage people in our relationships to tell us their frustrations… when the atmosphere is free of conflict. Some may think, “Why would I want to bring up issues when things are going well.” I say, “TRY IT!”

Bill and I have been practicing this method for years now, and it has done wonders for our communication. Sometimes when we are enjoying each other’s company at dinner, or just riding in the car, I will ask him, “Bill, is there something that I am doing that frustrates you? What could I be doing better as a wife?” I open my ears and heart for Bill to tell me anything, and I am emotionally ready to handle it. Because there is no open argument or frustration in the air, Bill is able to effectively communicate some things that I, as his wife, can be doing better. It then encourages Bill to ask me the same question, and we have had some of our greatest communication experiences through these conversations. I believe that this time of communication is what Proverbs 25:11 is suggesting… “a word spoken in the right circumstances.”

Bill continued to leave drawers open after our argument that day; however, when we had one of our “non-conflicted conflict talks,” I brought up that his leaving drawers opened bothers me… since then, we have not had problems with the issue. ☺

Don’t you want to know what you can be doing better as a spouse, as a parent, as a child, as a co-worker? I encourage you, parent – ask your child what you could be doing better! If your child responds with, “It bothers me that you tell me not to curse, but you curse…” take it in, don’t snap back, and intentionally try to change! Child, if your parent responds with, “It bothers me when I have to tell you more than once to do something…” take it in, don’t snap back, and intentionally try to change!

To end my thoughts for today, I would like to challenge you to also ask God, “What can I be doing better to connect with You, Father? What sin is in my life that is disconnecting me from You?” Take it in, don’t snap back, and intentionally try to change!

~Sarah Rodriguez